Being Honest

I think as parents, we often times live in a delusional fantasy world filled with sparkles, sunshine and positivity…I think we tell ourselves things to help ease into the crazy, hectic world we live in…and I think that we try desperately to solicit others to join us in our fantasy world.

Please don’t take this the wrong way…but I believe in being honest and open…and in a totally honest and open way – I think being a parent is by far the hardest, most thankless, job in the world. Yes – it is true…that it can also be the most rewarding, wonderful and fulfilling job…but when you are in it – like really in the thick, surrounded by trees, can’t see the field on the other side…it can be hard to see the positive side.

I met two friends the other day for coffee. These two have been married for almost three years and have absolutely no interest or intention of having kids. They are totally head over heels in love with each other and spend every day making sure they focus on reinforcing that love. They are pretty cool peeps in my world – and I always love spending time with them. But not only because they are totally awesome…but because they remind me of a few things. They remind me that you have to really want to have kids, like 100% your decision not influenced by outside forces, know you want to have kids. They remind me that you have to be willing to sacrifice…because there is no such thing as a great parent that is selfish. They remind me that it’s important to work on your relationship with your spouse…because he (or she) is supposed to be your best friend and that with kids in the picture…that friendship can sometimes get fuzzy. And mostly they remind me that regardless of what you choose to do – it has to be what is best for you and your family.

As we were sitting there, enjoying a wonderful cup of super charged coffee (yay Starbucks) – we started chatting about kids and their decision to pass on that particular turn in this game called life. I think they were shocked by my response. I told them I thought it was a smart decision…not because they would not be amazing parents, because they would totally rock…not because I didn’t think they could handle it – they could and would probably make it look easy… and not because I didn’t want them to have kids – it’s really not my call…but I took a sip of my coffee and explained why.

Being a parent is HARD…there I said it – it is the hardest thing you will ever do. And yes it is worth it…but only if you are 100%, no doubt in your mind, bought into, the whole kid thing. And they aren’t…which is totally cool. But if you are not sure…or you don’t think you want kids…I wouldn’t recommend having kids!

Before we left, they thanked me for my honesty. They know that I love my daughter more than life itself…and that I don’t for second regret the decisions I have made that have brought me to this moment in time…but they also know that I am a realist. They explained how many of their friends have told them just how wonderful being a parent is…and how they are missing out on so much…and how they will never be fulfilled unless they have kids…

You know what…I CALL BULLSH!T…

Ever notice how it almost turns into a cult…where we all have to believe that it is sunshine and roses all day long so we can convince other unknowing couples to join our world. Come over to our side…it’s so easy…look how happy and well rested and fulfilled we are…

Call me cynical…but those words will never come out of my mouth aimed at another couple.

Sometimes being a parent totally rocks…other times it totally sucks…but most of the time…being a parent is a major juggling act with no end in sight. Between bills and cleaning and dinner and work and play time and play dates and nap time and baths and bed time and laundry and relationships and sex and family and friends…I have so many balls in the air that I fear the day they all come crashing down around me…it’s going to happen…but thankfully I have an amazing husband that is there to help me pick all of them up and start the whole juggling act again…and hopefully we will get a few laughs out of it as well.

The point is…I wish we as parents would stop trying to convince ourselves by trying to convince others just how easy and awesome our lives are all the time…I respect my friends that made a mutual decision to not have children…just as much as I respect my friends that made a mutual decision to procreate. Either way – I think it is pretty awesome. 

mommy wars

Warning...Extremely Long Rant...Apologies In Advance! 

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To this day I am still baffled why mommies must sling mud at each other…what is the point of all this bickering. What works for me is probably very different than what works for you and even more its different than what works for someone else. Knock it off already – we are all strong…regardless of our decisions, regardless of what we spend 8-10 hours a day doing, regardless of the issue or struggle…we all find a way to come through it…We need to support each other in our daily struggles, not hold each other down…that is the true message behind the mommy movement! Make the choice that is best for your child, your family and ultimately you!! We are our hardest critics…our biggest naysayers…our loudest adversaries – which only makes it easier for others to swoop in and get a few proverbial kicks in while we are down…if we as mommies don’t stand together – regardless of how different our choices – then how are we ever going to stand up to those around us.

I personally went back to work after four weeks…not because it was easy, but because I was ready and it was what I wanted. And I worked for much of my maternity leave…because that is just who I am…not because I didn’t care about my daughter (for those of you that know me…you know that she is the most important thing in my world) or because I was not trying to build a bond with her or because she didn’t keep me busy…but because a big part of me is my career and my success…so the sacrifices that I made were paid in sleep or a clean house or folded laundry. When my four weeks of Mat Leave were done…I was clawing down the door to get back to work…to have adult interaction in which I was able to feel whole, stimulated, motivated and appreciated. I love my daughter more than life itself, but I simply can’t look in the mirror every morning and feel 100% myself if I am not putting my degree and skill to good use.

I have so much respect for women that are able to do that though…I have a friend that is an amazing mother. She has two little girls, one is almost 4 and the other is almost 1. I know the sacrifices that she has made to stay home with her girls…and I commend her for her willingness to put her girls above all else. At times I am a little envious of her – of the fact that there is no one who experiences milestones with her daughters but her…and that she will never have a sitter tell her things her daughter accomplished that day that she missed out on. She knows exactly what her daughters do every minute of every day…and she doesn’t deal with the daily guilt that comes with the outstretched arms as you walk out the door to go to work…

But as in life…there is no such thing as having it all…what is that saying – you can’t have your cake and eat it too…

I work because it fulfills a part of me that I can’t find any other (legal) way to fill. I work because I spent four years in college and have substantial student loans to show for it…that bill is slightly easier to swallow and pay every month when I know that at least I am bringing home the “bacon” and putting my degree to good use. I work because I want my daughter to have nice things…I want her to be the girl that goes on the exciting family vacations every year, and lives in a big house and has too many clothes and drives a new car (although this is a matter of contention between me and my husband…but because I see their daily interactions as he gets wrapped tighter and tighter around her tiny little finger, I am not sure how much of a fight he will put up when she bats her eyes and looks up at him as she explains just how much she NEEDS a new car, daddy!)And ultimately I work because I am bound and determined to show my daughter that you don’t need a man to take care of you…that as a strong, successful, confident woman you get to choose love and companionship…but you don’t need it to survive. That I choose to be with my husband, her father, because I love him and he is my best friend and better half…not because I need him to support me.

I have to put a disclaimer in this paragraph that I am the product of a single mother…who fought, clawed and sacrificed so that I could have the nice clothes, the car, the parties, the good schools and the college education…so I may be slightly jaded in why I don’t want to be dependent on my husband for anything other than love and support. So put your claws away and smooth down your cackles my fellow mommies…this is part of my screwed up, over compensating, never say never, don’t need a man, do it on my own, personal justification that helps make walking out of the house and away from those outstretched arms ever morning just a little easier.

At the end of the day…I trust that my mommy friends…and those mommies I don’t know or haven’t had the pleasure to meet make the choices they have made…because they had to…bases on what is best for their children, their families and themselves. Work or stay at home, breastfed or formula, co-sleeping or cry it out…whatever works for you – do it…and own it…and know that we as mommies support you because we understand, we have been there and we feel for you! Life is full of tough decisions – but the last thing we should have to deal with is the backlash of those choices from our fellow moms. Enough Already! In the end…aren’t we all trying to accomplish the same thing…raise healthy, well adjusted, wonderful children that are ready and willing to take on everything the world throws at them? Stop making it harder on each other and start finding ways to lend a hand where you can!