Pregnancy Is…

As I sit here, I am looking at a card that one of my very dear friends (Jen Jen) gave me several months ago – right at the start of my pregnancy. It says on the front “Pregnancy is the happiest reason ever for feeling like crap!” and boy (or girl) is that the truth.

There is a part of me that dislikes every step of this pregnancy – with the exception of a few things (i.e. the ultrasound, feeling Delainey kick) other than knowing that this is a means to an end and that the end is our beautiful little Lainey! And then there is another part of me that feels like the worst mother, person, and woman EVER for feeling this way. Seriously – what is wrong with me…millions of women have done this, and lived to tell about it. And hell, some of them even liked it! Does this make me a bad person because I find this entire experience less than pleasant?

Don’t get me wrong – I have one of the best support systems any woman could ask for. My husband is supportive, reassuring, kind, caring, helpful and loving. And my friends are amazing and remind me daily that I can both handle this and that I look good doing it, and my mom has been there (in spirit) every step of the way to listen to me whine, bitch, complain, moan, gripe and cry. I also have the best in-laws that a girl could ask for who are also super supportive, helpful and caring – not to mention they raised my husband (I think they did a pretty good job) to be the loving and supportive husband he is now…all of which I honestly could not live without! But it’s more than all of this…it’s in my head…like totally in my head all hours of the day and night.

Just last night – I had a mini (although Mike probably won’t say it’s so mini) meltdown because I feel like I am simply repulsive. I can’t for the life of me understand how he still finds me attractive or sexy or how he is even still interested in touching me or being intimate with me…I can’t even look at myself and think positive things.

For those of you that know me – you know that I have always dealt with self image issues, and that while I come off as confident – I am not always especially when I am in situations in which I am not comfortable…much like the one I am in now. And I have also battled with depression issues – which is why I have been on and off medication – mostly when life is getting to be a little too much to process or I am getting so wrapped up in my head that I can’t function outside of that…like when I left my job, moved to Colorado, moved to ABQ and still didn’t have a job and no idea how we were going to pay all of our bills…hello Paxil! But that is not an option these days!

Chalk it up to hormones, an extra 30 lbs, the inability to exercise like I am used to, and the fact that for the first time in my life – I can’t control the way I look. Talk about a mindf*ck! (Sorry for the use of that word – but I really don’t know how else to describe it)

So I pull on my (larger than life) big girl panties, put on my heels, and deal with it…while it might not be easy…I have to keep (like every 10 minutes) reminding myself that all of this is for the best reason in the whole entire world…and that I get to experience something that a lot of people (my husband included) will never get to experience…and that I am responsible for the health and wellbeing of our perfect little angel and that it is only three more (or so) months and it could be worse and in the end…I wouldn’t trade any of it because I get my daughter out of this whole crazy experience!